So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said to them, Be fruitful, and multiply...

Huamns sub-classification :

afer (African)
americanus (Native Amercian)
asiaticus (E. asian)
europaeus (European)
monstrous (Similar to Fuegians)

Well in spite of all these I felt that I belonged to the last group....oh bother...

have this thing that keep me puzzled....its about human behaviour in singapore...

To a girl:

If you felt some guy is looking at you, do you feel flattered that there is something special about you that managed to grasp a person's attention? OR : you felt intruded that he is some sort pervert that is looking at girls that make you give him the crossed look?

If someone approach you to said that you are pretty , will you be once again flattered by the opposite gender's comment? (lets assume that he qouted it in a very genltemanly manner.. )OR : you once again want to take out your pepper spray and just fogged that poor little gentleman's face with pepper?

I do feel that of course in my personal opinion, as I do not want to create any blacklash that is so typical in this island... ladies tend to put us the male homospecians in a negative extremity that our innocent glance to sights beyond her is regarded as a long soul-searching stare into their own self. I do applaud to their high situation awarness and of course self-conscioussness are a marvellous trait ... oh well but do one lady need to be so self-defensive to treat us as some loony?...isn't one aim took all the time to dress out nicely just to be a little different and of course appreciated by the public?

I do know that singapore have the lowest number of sexual-related crimes and of course , never had experienced some crazy activities conducted by some insane people in the public before but yet ladies do put on their extreme self-defensive mechanism once they had encountered the questions I posted up there....

I do not know why...I had been to Europe where their wild activities are more frequent and of course suffered from more sexual-related crimes then this island but the ladies really understand a genlteman and treat them nicely...I once enaged in a converstaion with a African-Londoner, tall slim young lady in a tube after I comment about her in a netural manner... we were just having causal talks and go our own ways after a nice little chat, that's all. it something that really brighten our days... I do simile on the road in my district when I met people on the street, the place is near Canary Wharf or WhiteChapel, it was a not too friendly place but yet people simile back.....

I just wonder waht does our population react if I conduct such activities in this island.I will be treated as some insane creep...... I think it's sad that our upbringing have made us not knowing the people around us and of course just "push the red nuclear button" if we see someone just looking at us. We just become overly protective of ourself...well usual answer to my question is " we are living in a asia culture...so we are more conservative..." wow... that is a "excellent" answer....

Ohh..... I have known why I always put mode of transport by sea as my last option. I went to try out windsurfing today....I spent most of the time in the sea, gluping sea water...and being thrown around by the waves.... after a few hours, I put out my white flag and retreated back to the shore.. I was feeling sick of all those oily sea water.... finally I tried something different.....

Had lunch at Bedok hawker and ate anything I could see but of course din want to overate it..... today japanese class was fun... I din know why but seems that the class seems to be more friendly as we had know each other better....

Felt tired , went to Tiong Bahru plaza change train and headed home...train was slow and unstable due to SMART have little experience in pulling extra trains services .... oh well...

Oh.. My boss or the Sqn CO had given me a half day off, I do not know the reason behind it but I will just gladly accept it. Nothing much had changed over these days but I begin to get addicted to Canterbury's polo. I dont know why. I had purchased one at herren 2 weeks back and now another one... I felt good getting these clothes... maybe I just feeling stupid.

Will take my off on coming monday so that I can go for my lesson during that evening. It will be more comfortable for me to make such a trip to class.Will be meeting KEn and Jun for dinner tomorrow. It's been sometime since I last saw jun. I guess she is busy with her overseas trip and christian stuff... how lucky.... Got to work tomorrow.. hope no more monitor lizard came into my workplace..

These weeks I have a feeling of being alone. I felt that being with my friends, I will pose a threat to them. I just do not want to mess up anyone or anything anymore. I felt sick of my actions. I guess it's better for me to be alone for the time being. It feels like I am the unwanted and living alone on an island...got to learn to accept and adapt to new changes... sigh..

Had an uneventful workday if you do not consider an encounter with an enormous monitor lizard in your workplace toliet as one. Yup this little fellow, blackie as we christened it whose body is the lenght of my upper torso and well his tail ..i din bother... lucky it did not move that fast and thus someone managed to lead a way for blackie back into the open.....

I was glad that I did not share the same cubicial as blackie... I'm just not used to wildlife...

begin to wonder..... what wrong with the public on this island? I prefer to spend my sunday alone all by myself thus I go blading, swimming , shopping blah blah .. on my own. It had become my personal time for myself to complete my errands and stuff. I do not find it's a big deal that I should be with somebody... I do not mind having company but when you dont and need to achieve something, I just do it with me , myself and I.....

I had begin to bumped into friends in ECP and they give me a bewildered look when they are aware that I blade alone... they just give me the expression that why you still want to go out when no one is joining you.... it silly for you to blade with yourself.... I really have to wonder the validity of their reactions, going to ECP on sundays is sort of a routine for me. it a time for me to relax and be with myself not with friends if there is none during that day and I am fine with that. With or without friends, I will be there.. I begin to think, if I do not have anyone to be with, I should be at home and never to venture out? I felt this is silly as we must live life based on our own liking and opinion...

I will not have a time that I blamed myself for not doing things which I like because there is nobody to join me.. this is lame. I am no longer a kid. . . I act on my own instructions....nevermind them... they just din understand it... and I just din bother to explain as it's futile..

Was in Ikea today, as the sudden urge to have their food make me go all the way there after I bladed. The diner was full so I managed to find a seat with a couple. Ask them if it's taken and they shook their head. While having my meal, I observed that they are looking at me, they just give me a queer look....."wHy do this chap eat alone? it's after all a sunday" Well I was not amused as there are other tables just give me the same "stare and cannot stop starting " face.I observed such situation as there are people who just stare blankly at you and all other action just stopped.....their eye balls are good in maintaining a lock-on on your body and sway in the direction of my movement.

I wonder what is the problem with having a day with myself? Does this means that I am alone, I should not go ikea and look for a book rack? I should not eat ? I should not do anything else?? Silly...silly.. had this island turn to a situation that we should go toliet only if there is company?Oh well. I just did what I need to do today and felt good. . and nevermind those silly stares ..

I'm just walking my belief that's all.

Went blading today, thinking umph..... what make us so special compared to apes and chimps. One thing that is different, we can walk upright and not with our feet and hands. It is remarkable that us human have such distinctive trait in our evolutionary journey as it sounds more logical that by walking up right we can see farther as we are taller but it is more eifficient in walking on 2 legs then four.... With this, we can save the energy for other task like creating another offspring per year. It maybe only one but that could be a difference between survival and extiniction..umph ...

But felt it is more important that by walking upright, we free our hand for other task. Such task that will be meaningful in our path. Our hand can now create tools and of course holding on to food... but with our lungs being upright, we are given the chance to speak, a chance to communicate in complex manner....we became somethine different then our cousins and work in a group thro communication. ... umphh that for a tot.


Oh yeah one thing, our brain rely on fats and proteins for growth thus with a bigger brain comes with higher level of intelligence..thus... our forfathers are carnivores...but it's good as this gives us bigger brain capacity... ummph put this point to our modern friends, the vegetarians... does that means they are heading to an evolutionary doom in tens of thousands of years to come? ummphh lucky i eat meat...

Wont it be easier if our level of intelligence is slight lower than what we are now? less worries, less problems.... it seems to be a silly comment but sometimes, living life with simplicity does have a good point but nevertheless it's something I will had never be able to achieve. I do not know why, my life is going fine according to my context but deep within there are alof of things I will like to resolve. I wondered does everyone have the similar feeling as me ?

do you spend your time resolving your problems or take it as it is?I had been pre-occupied with stuff that hide my own self, is it a good thing ? I do not know as I felt these problems I am having now do not have a instant solution. I felt hopeless thus by doing more things, I make myself felt useful but am I really ? This is a difficult thing to say.. oh boy... life at cross road.... oh boy..

Well have a urge to go out today as I feel like shopping, I just want to get a pair of 3/4s and a bandana.... well I do feel like using one when I go blading.. I din know why as I do not have long hair but ... I just feels good using it...

In the end there is only one kind in adidas shop..not that wonderful.. well din know ..so in the end... went to kino and borders to get some books I wanted to but... sadly ... they ain selling..umph..oh boy...

There is a saying in Darwin's evolution, all living matters must came from another living matter. It will be silly to qoute that living organism came from non-living matter... it is quite sensible when you think of it... but one may ask

Where does the 1st living matter came from? It's understood that amino acids are the basic blocks of life.A little hydrogen, amoinoa and nitrogen with a little electric spark we will get the fundemental blocks of life but..errmphh they are just little blocks like bricks and how it is going to be used to build a house or this case humans?

Application of energy will of course help in the creation of more complex structures but it could also results in the disintergration of the amino acids, sort of like applying explosive to a pile of bricks and expecting a house to be build after the explosion.... that possbility is rather remote....

Aniwei the process of builing a more complex life-like organism from amino acid is still very much debateable... I shall think about it later as my Lunch time is ending soon.. back to work.. argghh

Sometimes I wondered, it is okie to come clean or just let the little problem stick in your mind?

In terms of butterflys and bees crap, I always the one who want to come clean, telling others what I felt. . . . it just a bit stupid of me to brust it out in one shot. I felt that I always have the guilt inside me of hurting others but in reality nothing really big had happened... I am standing on the extreme side of things... what a bloke I am... aniway got to live and learn....

Learn to hide and conceal what I had inside me, I will rather run till I get out of breath then tell another person what I am feeling now... or future... I must try to confide to myself as I believe nothing is going to make my life a little bit miserable if I follow this way...umph...

By hiding you are still in the game and thus do not create such an extreme situation that is hard for you recover it but only left for you is to clear up the shit you had made thus... it give me a better option....then the earlier.... umphh

Whether it's right or bullshit... I got to live, try , learn....

Well I had a wonderful monday evening. Signed up for the entire package and had my very 1st session, the pace was alright but after all it was my 1st try I still had difficulty in following the crowd. I was dead tired after that as I had bladed on sunday .

I guess I will tone down my blading this coming sunday as the monday after this, I will have make up session for the things I had missed.

It's good to take up something different.

Well had been an relaxing weekend. Sat met up with Patrick and George, I was planning to shop for clothes. My mood need a diversion that why I opt for shopping after all I had not bought any single piece of clothing in Singapore since a year ago. . yup . . . my stuff came from hk..

I realised that I received my NS pay and thus the journey of shopping begins. In the end I got myself a polo-T from Canterbury,it was either this or Mizuno but Canterbury is more interesting as we seldom see anyone wearing it in singapore. So.... the choice was obvious... I dislike Nikes or addias as it's too well ermrm everyone got one..

I also get a pair of berms from Sammuel and Kelvin. nothing much compared to other happy shoppers but it's alot to me...

I realised that I had more things in my mind that keep on popping up that make me less on a lookout to the opposite gender in orchard that day.. I guess... well ... umph bother....

We ended up in Geylang for dinner eating those froggy legs, they are nice but not addictive thus will just say it's good...looking back...I felt better now after shopping , now i know why girls did that everyday...

Today just blade again in ECP from Fort Rd to Changi end and back..nothing much in particular..

Frankenstein ...ohh well I do have some minor similiarities with this tall blocky chap...dont i??

"I am alone and miserable; man will not associate with me; but one as deformed and horrible as myself would not deny herself to me. My companion must be of the same species and have the same defects. This being you must create."

somehow I felt the same.... yeah I am feeling I'm a monster when handling such relationship matters...


"Mingled with this horror, I felt the bitterness of disappointment; dreamns that had been my food and pleasant rest for so long a space were now become a hell to me; and the change was so rapid, the overthrow so complete!"

quick transition from last week to today.... ohh boy... I am in basement 100th floor now...

"I am chained in an eternal hell."

Yeah ..fuch..should had done this earlier to prevent any foul-up from happening...

Natural of life:

A swallow B, if B dies it's called eating
A swallow B, if A dies it's called infection
A swallow B, if both still alive, it's called a symbiotic relationship

Work:

Drinking an can of Coke after long hours at work : $0.40
Having a good lunch at the base canteen : $3.50
Getting a new set of uniform : $10
Having a air-conditioned car for outbase trip to changi : PRiceless.

Well today was a busy day for me with paperwork and other offbase duties.

I managed to met up with Makkio,Jasmine,Yasuko and their boss for a dinner, it was okie. I was not in the mood to talk much not because it's a Japanese converation but I was spirted away somewhere.

After dinner we head for a drink, I was hesitant at first as I was in my uniform and do not want to get caught. After much thinking, I decided to go for it, afterall I can lose so much for the past few days, there is little left for me that is worth keeping for.

We went to the living room at Marriot hotel, okie it was werid to see me in uniform but ..one thing for sure, I do not give any concern. Order some gin and drink...(I wondered who is the bloke that said once you are drunk, you will forget) all I have was a headached and still the mind is till working... that is bulls.....ohh...my head is heavy...

Feeling the full effect of last nite workout now...legs are like jelly.
But the good thing about this is I do not feel sleepy, I always feel this way after long duration of workout.

Was out in Bukit Panjang Plaza to get MAc breakfast.. oh that is quite nice but abit pricey so I guess it's a once in a while treat.

I do not feel like going home tonite thus I am asking my friends out for company, I just want someone to be there as I am still having the same problem as last nite.I guess what Dawn had said was partly true, maybe I was not given the time to provide what is needed. Time and fate is not on my side as always... sigh ..

我的戀愛日記

大了一天 也不會變 是我始終因你牽掛大半天
如在你身邊 誰也看不見 伴你一天夠快樂十年
誰沒有心機 誰最喜歡你 未到一九九八跨過下世紀
仍沒有心死 仍欠點勇氣 讓我揀一串水晶煉送給你期望你知
誰的愛沒有分限期

如你偷看這床頭日記 我傻傻地望你 怕從沒再會期
看著誰步過校門 遙遙地說 我很愛你 從那天世界
完全屬你 愛埋藏在日記 你甜蜜那日期 約會然後再預期
期望下次 你不會說 別離

而我的世界 仍然屬於你 我仍懷著志氣 愛原沒有限期
這夜仍舊要別離 無人望見 我輕吻那空氣

曲：鄭中基
詞：歐志深

I do not know what had I did to make her avoid me. I just want to have more time with her as I enjoy her company. I just feel good with her...I had only met her for a week but inside me there is only her. I dont know why but I just want to have more time with her and see how things can develop.I ............... just I just like her... I made a wholly mistake by appearing at her concert despite her insistence that I should not go.. I .. I just want to be there for her when she need support... but left as I do not want her to use the effort and time to accompany me when this was her private moment with her friends......

I do not know what wrong I had did that I ended up like this. . . . . . We could have go blading on sunday and a nice dinner but that was a dream..a dream that only happen in my mind..never in my life... I felt the whole world is falling onto me..

I guess I was selfish being I , I , I all the time and do not ask her about me, does she enjoy the company? does she enjoy the things I did? Does she get bored after 3 hours of my talk? Did she felt repelled by my presence on sat? or any other day?? I just too concern about myself and not her....

In the wake of these incident, I do not think I can forget her. Sunday, I blade and blade and still my mind is all about her....Today after leaving work early, I went to run for 4K and swim for I do not know when.... I surface when I felt very comfortable floating lifelessly in the water with little breathing..Guess drowning was a comfortable way out.. I hope my weariness will make my mind shut off but, I cant.....I do not know why but she will always seems to be the one that give me some hope when others just give me the disappointed look...

it's been almost a year and half that I had this sort of feelings in me again.. I admit that during this period of time, there are chances for me to develop but the feeling refused to grow and kindly turn them down ..... I felt a sense of total failure in my life, this is not the first time but the other 2 times when I truly felt for someone... Am I not capable of loving someone? I often give it all but in the end, they just walk away never to give me a chance to explain...Do I have to resort to my fate and lead a lonely life...? ? ?

I shall not cry but nevertheless tears roll down my cheeks as I am someone who does not really give all to anyone in my walk of life and now I had focus on her and yet she is gone...

I am thankful for all the wonderful times you had shared with me and I hope you too enjoy it...

( I hope I do not cause any pain in you)

Sorry Gigi as I make you look bad and have to manage my selfish thoughts and that I did not give any thought about your feelings as friends......

Well sunday, I did managed to get a haircut..... and went to blade despite being turned down. The weather was too tempting so without much planning I head down alone... I reached there around 12 it was already flocked with people.I did not do much but just went to the extreme end of the changi side that I had never ventured before...it was quiet and it's a place I want to be in this mood of time.

I just want to blade as fast as I can. I felt that by doing this, I can escape from the reality and thus I blade from Mac-changi and changi-fort...and fort-seafood area.I was not focusing on the view or people in the park, just looking straight and down on the road and tried to move my butt in supersonic speed........ but in the end I still feel moody.

Took a break at the end of east coast and saw many people windsurf...oh well my moody shitup mind just took me to that sea sports club's counter and signed up for windsurfing lesson and a membership..... in aniticipation that I get drown (quick exit from life) ....That is what you get when you got wash out in love and started to feel empty in this world. Everywhere you see everyone have another one in their heart... for me.. nothing.. so join that windsurf and hope with a stomach full of seawater I can forget what I am going through now. .. . . . . . .

Well along the way I caught a glimse of someone that made my heart melt ... oh well.. I could not take up the courage to approach her and then just speed off as fast as my little legs can drag that pair of heavy blades of mine...oh yeah at that instant, I felt that the blades weighed a ton.....so all the way I flew to fort road withour stopping like some kid running away....it's my escape from the sad reality...So after 4 hours of blade, the session was ended near the seafood center where I met up with an incident, not major, it cant kill me but ohh I hope it can..... death just seems a quick exit from this moody world I am having now....(ohh boy...that is how I think when I got washed out in love)

....I am a major screwball in love...

Well.... things come quickly and goes quickly...
Last sunday, I was on the top of the world..... every miserable thing in my life does not seems to bother me but this sunday. I had fallen into deepest part of life. Maybe I am naive but I'm just expressing how I felt inside me that's all.

I guess tomorrow onwards, I have to blade alone again...no matter how much I hated it, I guess the world had presented me with such a situation, I got to accept it... life...

I begin to ponder, is it me .. who is incapable of loving or is it the time? I begin to felt that I am the problem to this situation but as with other stuff, I do not have a solution to it.

Oh how was friday? Well, lets say... I managed to squeeze onto the 172 bus from lim chu kang to boon lay after waiting for it for almost 20+ minutes. I do not mind as I am assured that I am now in motion. I do felt that the air-con is not working properly and due to it's late arrival, the whole bus was packed with booking out sweaty stinky CD NS boys... oh boy... it was being stuck in a small fishbowl with school of fishes..

Heat, stink, out of time. How frustrate it could be, topped with a lame driver who stopped at any chance available to him and of course the slow safe road hogging speed it move along the road does make you feel sort of cheated of your fare.... oh well..

Took the train that arrives at 6-8 min interval during rush hours and having so many people stuck per carriage... only thing worht mentioning is the air-con it's slightly bearable...
When you see the amount of passenager waiting for the incoming train.. you will be thinking, cant they increase the frequency of trains?

ohh boy... fare is increasing soon and I guess I still have to be in such situations after the extra cent we pay for the transport. I guess we just have no choice but to accept it. Afterall we have a world class transportation system that is better than most areas like uganda, somalia, that is something we should be proud of...

There is nothing we can do...

Above comments are based on writer's personal views and may vary with time.

I wonder...why do people have such a affinity for knowing the future? I understand that it's nature for us to know what lies ahead..but do we trust such matters? palmistry... it's look rather interested and a intellectual study but I never believe in it maybe because I believe in having destiny is held in one's hand. I will prefer the belief of one's power is able to change own's fate.. but have knowing such knowledge does make you have something to talk about when your conversation in a group ran dry...

Looking back, I do wonder my path had been craved out by my own ability or the true destiny higher power had given to me . After seeing some friends now and then, alot of recollection come to me and make me feel that I had walked for quite a distance despite that there is till more path down in my life... oh well what lies ahead.I am getting more receptive to getting involved in any relationship that come across me now as there is less areas that I pay concern at ..maybe I understand that such matters are out of my control but just to accept what is given to me and adjust my life on it...

Oh...boy... ohh I had been going out with a girl now.. she is very nice and we click very well. daily of phone call ... I understand the pressure in me now as she is now working and I am still in transition stage.. I do hope that she will understand that I will commit to work or look for job soon. I do hope she will have some sort of tiny little feeling towards me despite the vast differences I see that is presisting between us... I will try better this time after rounds of foulups during my previous attempts...